Vax Retirement Bodes Ill For Windows 2000

The future of Windows 2000 is in doubt today as rumours abound that Dave Cutler, chief architect of Microsoft's flagship OS, has quit the corporate monolith and gone underground.

Sources inside Microsoft have told Segfault .org that Cutler abruptly handed in his notice to CEO Steve Ballmer yesterday, upon reading news that Compaq was to discontinue the VAX computing platform and its Cutler-designed companion operating system VMS.

"I remember it like it was yesterday", said one Microsoft employee who wished to only be identified by his Slashdot ID, 214666. "Dave was bawling me out for wasting time browsing the web. Suddenly, he looked at my screen, yelled 'Goddamnit!' and stormed out of the office".

Cutler was initially lured away from VAX/VMS creators Digital by Steve Ballmer. It is believed that as well as the usual promises of stock options, world domination and cred with the chicks, Ballmer had promised Cutler he would be able to work on a side project porting Windows NT (now Windows 2000) to the VAX architecture.

"Dave had already baked all the features of VMS into NT" said 214666, "so it was easy for him to load it on to tape reel, crank up his VAX and recompile it. Of course, he left out the GUI stuff. He never liked the GUI stuff".

Cutler, reknowned for being "on the grumpy side", seemed happiest when using his VAX, which was stored in its own building in a dark, damp corner of the Microsoft campus.

Stories of Cutler's calls to Compaq technical support to "make sure they know their stuff" were confirmed by Compaq staff today. "He was forever calling us at all times of the day or night, quizzing us on optimal clustering configurations, correct pagesizes for RDB databases, that kind of thing. There was hell to pay if you got it wrong, but he kept us on our toes."

Segfault.org contacted Cutler's family for information. They declined comment, other than to say, "Dave will return soon, and when he does, those UNIX users better watch out!"

The Gartner Group has issued a report concluding that any new company run by Cutler would be force to be reckoned with in the IT world. "With his technical skills, his hatred of UNIX, and the business methods he learned at Microsoft, there's gonna be a whole mess of trouble when Dave Cutler comes back," says the report.
About this article
This article originally appeared on Mon 28 Aug 07:34:16 2000 PDT on the nerd satire site segfault.org. It was one of a number of articles I wrote for segfault.

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